How Improving Your Emotional Intelligence can Increase Your Quality of Life

As a society, we have prioritized and valued mental intelligence (IQ) as if it were the only ingredient necessary for success in life. But study after study has shown that the most mentally intelligent people are not always the happiest or most successful. In fact, research has shown most people are missing is Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Hygiene, Two key ingredients of the Emotional Operating System (EOS) which is basically your pattern of responses to emotions. Without concentrated effort, you likely have the same sort of responses to emotions as you did when you were young. Chances are, your EOS mirrors your parents’ emotional responses.

There are four unhealthy EOS modes, including:

1. Repression, or pushing emotions below the surface.

2. Self-criticism, or blaming yourself for the unexpected.

3. Compulsivity, or turning to drugs, alcohol, cleaning, eating, and exercise to escape emotions

4. Acting out, or frequently engaging in drama, hysterics, or other emotional outbursts in order to re-channel the focus from inner emotions to the outward world..

While technology frequently updates and optimizes, most of us don’t take the time to upgrade our outdated EOS that developed in childhood. Luckily, becoming aware of our emotions and our EOS will give us the ability to improve.  Emotional Intelligence, (one of the components of EOS) is the ability to be aware of and responsive to your own emotions, as well as the ability to recognize and acknowledge the emotions of others. Research has shown that Emotional Intelligence may better predict success in life than mental intelligence does. 

Ways to develop Emotional Intelligence (EQ) include:

• Non-judgmentally observe your emotions. Don’t label them as “good” or “bad.”

• Lean into discomfort in order to truly understand your negative emotions.

• Begin to associate physical feelings with your emotions.

• Journal about your emotions.

• Remain level-headed in the midst of a bad mood or a good mood.

• List your values and evaluate whether your pattern of responses align with your values.

• Actively identify character emotions while watching movies and reading books.

• Become aware of your tendencies in the face of extreme stress.

• Breathe deeply, with your belly.

• Make your goals public.

• Count to ten to maximize the “white space” in between emotion and action (or speech).

• Take control of your self-talk.

• Visualize your own success.

• Practice sleep hygiene.

• Talk to an objective third-party.

• Allow your brain time to recharge each day.

• Greet people by name.

• Be aware of your own body language.

• Become more conscious of others’ body language.

• Create a list of questions to ask during “awkward pauses.”

• Live in the moment.

• Take a 15-minute tour of your workplace, noting the body language and emotional states of your coworkers.

• People watch.

• Be open and curious.

• Welcome constructive criticism and feedback.

• Make yourself more accessible to others.

• Turn anger into passion and action.

• Explain your decisions to those they affect.

• Give thoughtful, constructive, frequent feedback.

Now there are five components of Emotional Intelligence – the first three are of the personal domain and the last two are of the social domain.

Building Emotional Intelligence Through Self-Awareness

The first step of Emotional Intelligence is to identify your own emotions. This might be more difficult than you first imagine, especially for people who have experienced significant trauma. The mind becomes detached from the body, and you aren’t aware of your own emotions. You become numb to your emotions – a term called emotional numbing. Not only can this make you a slave to your own emotions, but you can traumatize others with your erratic, hurtful micro-aggressions.

Bulding Emotional Intelligence Through Self-Regulation

After you are aware of your emotions, you will want to master them. Highly successful people have control over their emotions. The limbic system, the emotional center is, evolutionarily speaking, developed before the cerebral cortex, or center of logic. Some researchers believe that because the limbic system is located in the ancient “brain core,” emotions are necessary for survival. The neurons located in the limbic system may just be super-charged to influence the immune system, affecting physical health.

But just because the limbic system developed before the cerebral cortex does not make it supreme. To the contrary, the cerebral cortex is located on top – both in location and in power. That’s right, there is a “white space” or brief pause in between emotion and action, during which time the cerebral cortex can chip in a thought or two – like Is this reaction really justified? Do I really need to flip off that guy for cutting me off? 

Building Emotional Intelligence Using Motivation

The third and final personal component of Emotional intelligence is motivation. That is, how intrinsically motivated – by values, passion, ideas, and ambition – are you? If you are motivated solely by extrinsic factors, like money and status, your mental health is largely outside of your control. After all, your place of work could close, you could be laid off, or you could become disabled and not be able to work – blowing your source of motivation.

Emotional Intelligence & Social Skills

Gandhi is a perfect example of somebody who is high in social skills, or the ability to identify and respond empathetically to the emotions of others. he inspired thousands and become the figurehead for the Indian independence movement because he was aware of and had complete control over his own emotions. It was because of his emotional control that he was able to respond nonviolently in the face of violence directed toward him and his followers. As an emotional master, he was able to inspire thousands because he recognized and responded compassionately to their emotions. 

Emotional Intelligence & Empathy

Sympathy and empathy are not the same thing, although they are often used interchangeably. Sympathy is recognition, while empathy is lived experience. People with high Emotional Intelligence have a PhD in emotions. They know which situations trigger which emotions, and they know what those emotions feel like. When you are going through a difficult time, it helps to have the support of someone who is high in empathy.

Why is Emotional Intelligence Important?

Not only will a boost in Emotional Intelligence help you be more successful in your workplace, it will also enable you to: 

• Have deeper relationships and a more meaningful life. 
• Be less likely to purposefully or accidentally traumatize others, so people will not have to be on guard around you.
• In addition, you will have more control over your own life.

Instead of being a slave to your emotions – doing exactly as they command, you can maximize the white space in between emotions and action – allowing your cerebral cortex some say. But let’s not forget the impact of Emotional Intelligence on health. People who are able to identify and express their emotions in a healthy way (instead of avoiding them altogether) tend to suffer from fewer mental and physical disorders, have less systemic inflammation, and be happier.

Emotional Intelligence is a major facet that I teach in my Stress Alchemy course as well as my 1:1 coaching sessions. If you are interested to learn more about the services I offer then just click here.  I hope this helps!

In Good Health,
Amber Stewart BS,
Holistic Nutritionist
Certified Master Life Coach
ACSM Exercise Physiologist,
CTNC Mental Health Specialist
TBMM Corrective Exercise Specialist